“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” – George Carlin

“There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.” – George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” – George Carlin

“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.” – George Carlin

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.” – George Carlin

“When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.” – George Carlin

“I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.” – George Carlin